In Memory Of

I want to tell you about Isabella.  I need you to know about her.
I knew her for 7 weeks.  Her name, given by God, means Devoted to God.  And she is.

Because she's with Him now.

6 months ago God told me we were going to have another baby and it would be a girl.   When I found out at the beginning of April that I was pregnant I wasn't surprised at all. In the few short weeks I knew our baby, God gave me the name Isabella for her.  She was suppose to join our family just before Christmas.  In Costa Rica.  We were trilled and excited. 

But.  Two weeks ago I knew something wasn't right.  We had just told our families and the boys that a new baby was coming.  I started spotting and while I wasn't planning on seeing a doctor here in Michigan, I called.  Over the course of the day, we talked back and forth and they finally said they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.

So we did.  In the office the spotting changed to bleeding and I was hysterical.  God had sweetly put the ultrasound tech in our path that day.  She looked me straight in the eye and said "there is hope." And there was.  On that screen was a little bean with a fluttering beating heart.  We were given a photo and told baby looked good for today and to wait. That same tech prayed with us, really prayed with us.  We went home to wait.

Then the cramping started.  But we had hope and we prayed with hope.  A lot.  We asked people to come pray with us and over us and the baby.  But the bleeding continued, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  Monday I called the doctor again to tell them how the weekend went.  They reassured me that while it seemed like a lot of blood, it didn't sound like enough to have lost the baby.  We kept speaking Life and Hope.  The nurse told me to come in again on Thursday for another ultrasound.

Tuesday came and I just felt worse.  By the evening, the pain was more intense and I just felt like I couldn't keep doing this, whatever this was.  Noah put me to bed around 6 and about an hour later we were pretty sure I had miscarried.  But we still thought God is bigger than what seems to be the reality, so we waited.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and the same ultrasound tech kindly took me in and confirmed what we had thought.  The baby was gone.  Everyone at the office was so so kind.  They didn't make me sit back out in the waiting room, they all did what they could to make the rest of my time at the office as peaceful and calm as they could. 

So now, we're sad.  Sometimes the sadness seems so overwhelming.  Almost like it's pushing down and into me.  And then Quinn will say something hysterical and I'll burst out laughing with tears still in my eyes. I am not sure how people go through this without other kids around to make them laugh.

It's a strange thing to lose someone you've never really known.  But I did know her.  Every second of her life I was with her.  That's a sweet thought.

God not only let us see her alive, but gave us a photo and and a name. Its' still hard for me to call her by name, I think because it makes it that much more real that we are grieving a baby.  But I need to. Isabella.

It's also strange that she has changed our family so much and yet almost no one knew of her while she was here.  That bothers me.  I want something tangible to mark her time here. A friend who has walked this road suggested adding Isabella's name to my mama's necklace.  That came yesterday, which I was thankful for, but I cried.  A lot.

I've been part of a women's group at a church here in MI since we've been here.  Last week they surrounded me, embraced me, cried with me and prayed for us.  It was incredibly sad and healing all at the same time.  Almost like a funeral.

Last weekend Noah and I were able to go away over night.  It was such a gift, to just sleep, laugh, cry and be together. 

A lot of this is ramblings a verbal scrape book of sorts  of those gifts the God of all kinds of comforts has given us in the midst of something so horrid.  It's also a marker that Isabella is part of our family's story.  A memorial of sorts to her time with us.

^" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4